Blog #5: Peer review

Ideas- Overall I would say that the paper has a lot of information that is needed for the paper to flow and make sense but the transitions between the broad ideas are a little bit abrupt. Maybe to improve this you could expand on some of your ideas and bridge gaps together with connections between ideas. Most of your writing was extremely well put together, one of your sentences really stood out to me.“I believe that art does find a place for itself in our world by touching the hearts of those who find the beauty in it, and those who find the importance of the culture within.” I was wondering why you didn’t have it play a more central role in your paper. It is in a spot where it seems almost like you put It there for a conclusion.  My last piece of advice would be to add more about what you think about Southan and the Painter. Your paper has a lot of what you said they think about their work but your opinion is pretty scarce throughout the paper. Overall great work, and it was a good read.

Evidence- This paper was excellently structured, it had everything that it should and no extra unneeded information. A few of the sentences look like you started to write something and then got distracted and started up again with a new thought. I highlighted them for you so just read them out loud until you like how it sounds. Your Da Vinci quote was an excellent idea that fit really well with your essay and was a good transition into your next thought train. The only thing I can think of for you to add on to your paper would be that maybe you could expand on some of your thoughts in the paragraph about your opinions. You end that paragraph with a few killer sentences that you really could draw out a little longer. When you say that art is not about money, that could be something that you might want to look at a little more. It seemed a little jammed in there so instead of that you could draw it out with your thoughts on that. Overall a good essay very organized.

Organization- This paper was all around solid, excellent job of putting all the necessary information where it needs to be very neatly. One thing you did that I noticed was that you started the paper with your own experience which made it feel very individualized and just made your paper yours. What I liked most about this was that It didn’t seem very forced, the whole flow of the essay worked very well, I wouldn’t say that you have to work on flow at all except for a one very minor place. At the bottom of your 3rd page there is a line that is very vague. It is a very good connection but I think if you added names of who you are describing it would read easier and would pull the whole page back together to wrap up your thought nicely. “If they can show what is happening to a large amount of people, then those people collectively can help those people that are in need. They can also help create groups to get the attention of the government or people in charge to be able to make change on a large scale.” Other than that your transitions were spot on, how you introduced the idea of the next paragraph in the last sentence was perfection. Great job all around and very interesting way to tackle this.

It is hard not to simply focus in on local edits. Grammar and punctuation especially stick out like a sore thumb when I was editing in google docs because they are literally highlighted in red. So not only are you not supposed to pay much attention to them but they are the most noticeable things in the essay. For me if I am really going to read for the big picture of the paper I can’t just read through one time. Seeing the bigger picture requires going back and analyzing the paper again.